Copywriter portfolio —
HEADLINE GOES HERE
 I often enter New Yorker magazine's Cartoon Caption Contest, a continual source of frustration. Sometimes I think my caption was better than the winner, sometimes I have to admit I was bested. One of my captions, entered in the name of a friend, was chosen as a finalist, except that it was credited to yet another person who I presume submitted it earlier. Here are some of my lines. Click on the numbers to see the cartoons they go with. (Because rules allow only one entry, most of these were not submitted. PROMISE: No lines shown here were written after the respective deadline.)
|
||
|
|
"You'll never get to sleep if you let things like that bother you." "I told Billy he can do the science project." "Don't worry. Once we land on Earth, we'll blend right in." "Stop blaming everything on Bush." "Yes dear, the earth moved." "What on earth was what?" "I'll fix it in the morning." "At least we know tomorrow's weather." "That reminds me, I sold the house." "I decided I need my space." "Did you pay the oxygen bill?" "Did you give my mother our new address?" "Personally, I think you've been watching too much PBS." |
|
|
|
"Marge wants to know if you can sit with her salamander on Thursday?" "Mr. Spielberg? I have a small-movie remake idea." "Dear, do you prefer Speedo or baggies?" "Can you tell me what's your smallest size in a Speedo?" "Oh, don't mind them. At most, they just nip a little." "Aquarium Supply? Do you have any little women?" "Aquarium Help Line? What do guppies eat?" "I just don't know how George gets himself into these things." "Mr. Johnson can't come to the phone right now. He's preparing to swim with the sharks." |
|
|
|
"So far, women aren't as impressed as I'd hoped." "It came free with my third tatoo." "I'm in cloning research. Why?" "Never promise your kid you'll wear her birthday gift to work. " "I started as a code monkey, why?" "What's your favorite Marx Brothers film?" "Can I buy you a banana daiquiri?" "I find it helps my balance." "I hear they're still looking for that cougar." "So the bartender asked, "Why the long tail?'" "Luckily, I've still got the opposable thumb." "Then I realized that health insurance for a cat cost less than my own." "All I remember is saying, "Let's get some tail." "Just don't take Viagra." |
|
|
|
"Anyway, how's this universal conscription thing working out?" |
|
|
|
"Can I have your apartment?" "In your case, I'd say set your mixture rich and give it full throttle, but I'm probably overlooking something." "Just follow me." "Today we're going to talk about wind shear..." |
|
|
|
"As I told you, Thorgrim, they just send another auditor." "Hey, Brondolf! He wants to know what's in your wallet. What's a wallet?" |
|
|
|
"Is this your first real look at the Heartland, sir?" "...and the heartland, still holding its breath, turns blue." "I'm afraid, sir, that the Heartland is becoming somewhat anemic." "In the same way the Interior is now called Homeland, we propose that the Heartland be called the Vesselland" "But the really red-blooded Americans are still with you, sir." "No, sir, this has nothing to do with evolution." |
|
|
|
"Tom's efficiency has been top-notch since the company started allowing afternoon naps." |
|
|
|
"She got the house. I got the kids." |
|
|
|
"That's a great idea, J.B." "This is the Warden. I want you to know that I feel your pain." |
|
|
|
"I want you to practice an hour a day at home. Is it still habitable?" |
|
|
|
"I'll take that job offer, Harry. This place is a joke." |
|
|
|
"Your Honor, the signature on the warranty card looks suspiciously different than the one here on his claim." |
|
|
|
"Tell Community Relations this whole thing could blow up in our face." |
|
|
|
"We have no problems here, Jensen, only issues." |
|
|
|
"... and adapts readily to human presence." |
|
|
|
"That's Ernie. It all started with a hip replacement." "Best thing? No prostate." |
|
|
|
Effects of the robust economic stimulus package were soon apparent. "Oh, my! The radio said we'd have scattered wallets." "This airline security is getting out of hand." |
|
|
|
"We're out of blood. How 'bout some guts?" "Whatever. Just don't bring the cutlery to bed." "Cousin Attila called yesterday. He needs his mailman opener back." "O, yes, yes, my prince, having wooed and won me in your restless days, you conquer me yet anew each morning. Now eat your toast." "So, what did the teacher say about Billy's fighting?" "Is today your appointment with the auditor?" Although adjusting to urban living, Attila remained confused by niceties such as which fork or knife to use at the table. "So, Dear, another busy day full of downsizing?" "Get over it, Hon. I know your mother always had one waiting for you, but yesterday the shop was out of croissants." Every sunrise found Cousin Attila waiting patiently for the return of the Huns. "I know, I know -- No blade has ever touched your skin and no blade ever will. Yada, yada, yada." "Of course your barber says he can't fit you in. You scare the hell out of him when you say it's time for a trim." His fear of the razor was the one thing he could never conquer. Attila longed for years past, when his entire reflection could be seen in the sword. "Oh, and that Norse guy in Cartoon Contest #28 was looking for you." |
|
|
|
"On second thought, I'll have the health salad." |
|
|
|
"Actually, I'm just passing through." "I was hoping for the jet pack." "I have dreams that I'm falling." "Got any insects?" "I was a lawyer, how'd you guess?" "This sunlight is killing me." "We're still working on the radar." "Next thing I know, there's this stake through my heart." "We got any heavy metal concerts here?" "Bruce Wayne. What's yours?" |
|
|
|
I take naps. This is my air mattress. In preparation for the Playboy company retreat, Jim brought his air mattress to work. Jim's ruse in the HOV lane really speeded his commute, but he suspected he was asking for trouble. Knowing full well that he was just a "yes man," Jim decided to get himself a "yes woman." "No, we're not gay if it's a threesome." |
|
|
|
"So, what should we talk about?" "It's just lucky I'm not a big game hunter." "Ask me anything you want about fish..." (Credit: The next one is someone else's — a finalist from contest ) "When you don't want one, they're everywhere." |
|
|
|
"Sorry, for a second I thought I heard an inhuman groan suggestive of the most ghastly horror imaginable." "If you're that concerned about your ex making a scene, come spend the evening with me." "She broke up with him because he refused to stop using steroids." "I've decided this city has nothing new to offer me." "She's moved. May I take a message?" "Anyway, I doubt he'll be accepted by the co-op board." |
|
